i've never experienced grief and sorrow like this.

hey, happy new year!

this year i will be participating in the fifty fifty challenge and invite you to do the same. 50 books, 50 movies. no re-reads or re-views allowed! i'm beginning my year by trying to wrap up all the books i'm in the middle of reading, and the movies are going to have to wait until i finish plowing through the most recent season of Dexter (totally my favorite show) but i'm pretty excited to begin!

as far as a major and minor - for books, i think i'm going to be majoring in the "1001 books to read before you die" list (which, at the pace of 50 books a year would still take you roughly 20 years) and i sort of want to minor in herman melville and/or reading all the books i've bought that are waiting to be read.
for movies, i'm not sure what i'll do yet, except perhaps return to my effort of watching the AFI's top 100

one thing on my mind is that i need to pick some serious page-turner books for my to-read list. right now i'm in the middle of *six* (SIX) really sluggish books (mostly non-fiction, the death trap to my reading pace). i need something engaging, like Hunger Games engaging, to keep my pace up. any suggestions?

sign up for the challenge here: http://www.fiftyfifty.me/2011/12/sign-up-for-5050-challenge.html
send me any suggestions for viewing and/or reading.
and i'll be sharing some of my reads/views soon.


in non-reading/viewing news: my cat peechee had to have fluid siphoned from his lungs again last week at the vet's. he hasn't been doing great since, so we're headed back to the cardiologist and internist today. i officially spend more on peechee than i am able to earn, which is tough, but i just want to do the best for him that i can. i love him so much. he has definitely had his ups, his playful days, his perfect days, and right now he's definitely having his worse days. keep your fingers crossed for him, please. crossed forever.


in non-reading/non-viewing/non-cat news, i love the holidays but i'm kind of glad they're over too. it is tough to work such long days when so much else is going on.

today i thought about how i've lived in san diego for over 6 years now. i love our home here in san diego and i love our neighbors. day to day, life is so fulfilling here, between the sunshine and our little bungalow and the coziness of our neighborhood. i love the friends we have made, and how we're always discovering new corners of our amazing city.

on the other hand, i'm having a really hard time here as an artist.

there is no local store that wholesale orders from me. [i do see my licensed work out and about at times, but alas, i can't afford to live off licensing alone. my online shop / wholesale orders provides me with stability in between illustration gigs, art shows and licensing]

about 2% of my holiday orders were purchased by people local to me, around the same number of people purchased my work from ann arbor, michigan.

a few weeks ago, a customer threatened to sue me for having a credit card minimum at a craft show i did in town. at that craft show, *one* person i know came by to see me.

i rented a desk at a shared studio space for about a year, ending this past july. when i started there, i was one of 3 visual people out of about 60 who rented there. the person who worked next to me sold insurance. another loudly talked on the phone about surfboard racks throughout the day. i was the only person who didn't work with a computer. i frequently came and went without anyone saying hello to me. months after leaving the space, i continued to get emails from management, who apparently never noticed i left.

an art show just happened this past weekend with dozens of local artists, and i just heard about it. after it happened. i know the organizers. they run an art organization whose mission is to promote local artists. feeling pretty left out on that one.

i didn't make it into a single local gift guide, and did not hear back when i contacted 3 local stores and two media outlets about working together as a local artist.

when i signed up for an artist grant application seminar the day it was announced, i was told it was already booked (in just a few hrs!) and "sorry" - i was told the same thing regarding a craft show last year, before the application period had closed.

there are three local art supply shops, none of which sell titanium white gouache [really, a staple], one of which doesn't even sell paintbrushes.

several months back, i met with the only local gallery that exhibits artwork along the lines of what i make, and they didn't want to book a show with me but suggested i bring by some "cheap paintings that would sell" to display in their window. [paraphrasing]
the next time i ran into the curator and said hello, he didn't remember me or he pretended he didn't know me.

i was hired once - one time - as an illustrator for a san diego publication three years ago. i have contacted them [and others] several times since and haven't heard back.

as i mention the things above, i think to myself: it is POSSIBLE that i am just the world's most annoying person. maybe all these things happen because i'm unbearable and that's why no one wants to work with me or acknowledge me as a local artist. this is possible. or maybe my work sucks, and is totally unappealing to all of the above.

it is also possible that i am extremely forgettable.

but also, as a reference point for all of the above, i am VERY shy about talking about my work or promoting myself outside my facebook or email list, where people are already there to hear about my work. so, it is a big, scary risk to me to contact local shops, local media, etc to be like "hey, here i am! i'm local! i make stuff! let me be part of your community!" and to be ignored or let down or just to feel like i don't belong is pretty harrowing / discouraging.

it could be me or it could be san diego. either way, it is hard.

it's almost the opposite experience from providence, where i lived for nearly 8 years previously. in providence, i felt like on a social level, people were just downright mean. it was physically impossible to go anywhere without running into a thousand people who would either pretend they didn't know you even if they did, or people that you would just NOT want to see and running into them created an instantly awkward encounter. socially, people were just awful to each other. i have so many examples but better to summarize: it's a city of everybody shit talking everybody else for no reason at all.

providence is a city of straight faced head nods instead of smiling hellos.

it was a very lonely place to live and i was happy to go when we moved. but, the art opportunities were ABUNDANT. the art supply shops i could spend hours in. off the top of my head, i'm thinking of four very big ones, but i'm sure there were even more.

by the way, san diego is four times the size of the entire state of rhode island.

in providence, if i wanted to throw together an art show, there were plenty of spaces willing to give it a shot with me. local stores did carry my work. i was hired (and continue to be hired) as an artist for local publications there like providence monthly and rhode island monthly. i feel like i was offered constant opportunities and felt like part of a community as a local artist, even though i was unhappy [socially, personally] while there.

i would never want to go back to living in providence, it really was awful and there is a meanness in the community that i could never get used to, but i'm just noticing the reversal that happened. since my work is my life and my life is my work, it kind of sucks that they can't both just harmonize in the city i live in.

i wonder when [if ever] i will feel like a san diego artist rather than an artist living in an art-unfriendly city which happens to be san diego.

i can't believe it's been a month since everything happened with peechee. it feels as if it's been just a matter of a couple days. when i brought him home from the ER with all the instructions i was given, i made a hospital chart to track his progress (weight, breaths per minute, AM/PM medications, quality of life, etc)

i didn't know how much longer he would have with us, so i only made it for two weeks out.

we're now deep onto our second page, which brings me a kind of bittersweet happiness i can't even describe. i feel like a crazy person for being so affected by his wellness, but i also know from notes and calls i've received that among animal lovers, i'm not alone -- which gives me some comfort when i do stupid, uncontrollable things like cry about peechee in the front of my husband's bosses at his first ever holiday party with a new company. ("get a grip, susie" has been my unsuccessful, stern self-talking in these situations)

that said, an update from our most recent (8th) vet visit is in order. first things first: peechee looks great. he has been eating, and he's been playful and he is acting like the cat i knew before this all happened. it *appears* that the vetmedin (experimental drug / potential miracle drug) the cardiologist prescribed is working to help manage his heart failure. his lungs are clear of fluids (!!!), and he seems to be himself in every way! it's a kind of great news we never thought we'd hear again.

that said, he is still at risk for heart failure again, a stroke, and his kidneys are also responding negatively to medication and at very, very high risk for failure. every time we leave the cardiologists office, she gives us contact information for an emergency, which i feel like is her way of preparing us, saying you will need this info someday. so as great as he looks, there is so much i have to be vigilant about (medications at specific times in the day, monitoring his appetite and thirst...) i feel like i'm constantly on edge about it and wonder when *i* will get used to the routine. (perhaps this is the hardest part. the fact that he looks fine now, but is actually not yet.) at times i am honestly anxious about leaving the house, dreading the possibilities if something were to happen.

not that i even could leave the house, even if i wanted to. i've never been so grateful to be so busy with holiday orders. each shop order i've gotten has put a penny toward his (expensive) treatments and given me the peace of mind that we'll be able to take care of him going forward. i cannot begin to express my gratitude to those who shopped handmade / independent with someone like me this holiday. i know i'm not the only person out there depending on this time of year for some stability in my crazy life.

anyway, so that's the gist of things. we're not out of the woods yet, but peechee has resumed his usual behavior of following me around from room to room while i work, and i work all the time.

here he is, swaddled absurdly by me at his most recent vet visit (yet somehow he remains content):

thank you to everyone who left me a sweet message on the peechee post, or anyone who emailed me or followed up in some way, especially those of you who understood what it's like to go through this with a soulpet.

it's been tough over here: 6 vet visits and the 3 day ER stay during the last couple weeks. he hates going and we hate taking him out of the house. the good news is he's not suffering - he is being affection and sweet as always. that said, it seems like every time we take him to the vet, the news is worse than it was before. so i don't know where we stand now. his kidneys are reacting poorly to the medication that's supposed to clear the fluid from his lungs. his right atrium of his heart is swelled to 3x what it is supposed to be size-wise, so he is now also at risk for a stroke. we have him on four medications including an experimental medication that we are praying pulls a miracle. it is supposedly a miracle drug. (vetmedin if there are any vets out there) i am so exhausted from crying all the time.

it's that busy time of year for me with the shop, and given the vet bills, i've never been more grateful to be slammed with work and have some influx of cash to pay for all his treatments. i've also been fortunate enough to have my art & the products i design featured in a couple cool places recently like ecofabulous, poppytalk, vegansaurus, cool mom picks, discover paper - and all that great news has really given me some much needed good news amidst all this bad news.

meanwhile, peech has been seeping in to tons of my artwork under various pseudonyms. here are post it notes for the giant robot post it show next saturday in LA, and some paintings for a holiday art show here in san diego at junc gallery tomorrow. here is also a picture of peechee with a handmade donut toy from hey kitty kitty -- megan from hey kitty kitty is one of the shops i work with and sent me a package of toys for peechee with a note that said "stay strong, peechee!" which predictably basically brought me to tears. it was one of the most thoughtful things imaginable, and i can't tell you how happy it made us both to see him interacting with a new toy, giving us positive memories of him during this difficult time.

please cross your fingers for our little guy & hope monday finally brings some good news with the miracle drug. hope you all had a good thanksgiving week & holidays and all that stuff. i'll keep posting updates. xo

i've been scrolling through my archives here on lj and have been shocked to see how little i've posted about peechee. shocking because anyone who knows me knows he's basically all i talk about and is the absolute center of my world. you can probably pick up on this due to the extremely high incidence of orange cats in my artwork. he's the rather plump ginger cat i've had since i was 17, in high school, back when i was hating everything about my life except his furry role in it.

i met him at a no-kill shelter called Orphans of the Storm outside chicago, which i still donate to strictly because that's where peechee came from & i'm forever grateful to have him in my life. he was cat #169, a stray estimated to be about 2 years old- though looking back, i think he may have been only a kitten. i named peechee after a band i loved at the time called the peechees but it's incidentally the word for cat in farsi as well. seems like every persian family has a cat named peechee. peechee lived with my parents in chicago and later california while i lived in RI and was in college, but i visited him and my family for months at a time. he moved back in with me when i moved to san diego and aside from some relatively minor medical stuff (asthma, mast cell tumors), it's been mostly happy, amazing times ever since.

my phone is evidence of this. it is 90% full of photos of him. he used to be a non-wandering outdoor cat, stepping outside only to wander 10 feet away and take a nap. he's never been a hunter. back in chicago, there was a spot under a pine tree in our backyard where he loved to nap on a bed of pine needles in the shade, hidden and quiet. in california, when he lived with my parents, they said after he moved in with me, strange cats started coming around, presumably missing him and looking for him. he became indoor only when he moved in with me as i since learned that if you love your cat, it's much much safer to keep him indoors - statistically, he'll live much longer - even if all he ever did outside was nap. he's been pretty okay with being indoor only ever since though he has the occasional moment where he sneaks outside to eat grass and barf it up.

he is truly the sweetest cat on the planet.

everyone says this about their pets, but peechee is exceptional - anyone who met him would agree. he greets us at the door whenever we come home, follows me around from room to room. lays his head on my lap when i work. purrs sometimes just if you look at him, he's just happy to have the affection. he doesn't hide. doesn't chase the finches. doesn't do much but snuggle, eat and sleep. doesn't scratch us, doesn't jump onto ANY surface unless he is invited up by someone. he is incredibly affectionate, a total cuddler, and i have never met another cat like him. we frequently refer to him as a "gateway cat" as he has convinced many cat-haters, animal avoiders, non-animal lovers, etc. to come on board. he wins you over completely. that's what he did to me the day i saw him at the shelter, cowered in the corner, being bullied by other cats. i shooed the bully cats away and he walked into my lap and fell asleep and it was love. i wasn't even planning to adopt (then or ever) due to allergies, but how could i not after meeting him.

i remember lying in bed awake at night, after i met him, in fear that someone else would have the opportunity to adopt him before i could convince my parents to let me bring him home. i think it was a span of two weeks before they finally agreed. when i brought him home, he was incredibly sick. one day he barfed up live, writhing worms. i rushed him to the ER, driven by my friend paula, while my parents were still at work. he had eye and ear infections, and he was scrawny. i nursed him to health, taking care to give him all his meds - the kind of thing that has forever made my family tell me that i missed my calling as a vet (which honestly, especially after our recent experiences, i feel is a high compliment. vets are amazing, courageous, heroes and i honestly don't know how they do it emotionally.)


peechee experienced heart failure this week, possibly while we were in rhode island for 3 days for a wedding.

we came home and we didn't know that's what was wrong with him, he was breathing a little weirdly - sort of heaving, but not audibly or anything. he had been coping with asthma for about a year, which we have thankfully been controlling without medications but rather with a restricted diet and air filters. i say thankfully, because had we given him asthma medication, surely he'd be dead at this moment. when we came home and noticed his breathing had progressed to labored, we thought "maybe it's time to finally start meds, our natural way is no longer working". we called our fabulous mobile vet (as the only thing that upsets peechee is a ride in the car) and she came by and said "i really think you should take him to the ER, this may not be asthma and i think this could be an emergency". we rushed him over, and he was immediately placed in an oxygen tank, given x-rays, and after the x-rays were revealed, we were told the bleak possibility that his lungs were 80% obstructed by a tumor and he probably would never come home with us again, to seriously consider euthanasia.

i lost it completely. michael and i both lost it completely. it was the last thing in the world we expected to hear. we kept him in the hospital, in oxygen, with an IV overnight and decided to opt for more testing in the morning to determine that that was in fact the case, and if it was, to consider keeping him on prednisone for a potentially short prolongation of his life. they shaved his belly and did an ultrasound and revealed that it wasn't a tumor and it wasn't asthma either (though asthma is present) but it was heart failure and it's bad and his lungs were filled with fluid. they told us he turned purple during the x-ray process. he stayed in the hospital for two days, endured constant testing, xrays, ultrasounds, consultations, etc so we could get all the info we could on his condition. i have never cried so much in my life. i'm crying as i write this. in bed, trying to sleep (not that i could, and i haven't really since this happened) michael said "i'd give anything for just one more day with him" and all the memories inside our home: the memories of him lying warm next to me as i sleep, the smell of his head when i kiss it, and his soft purrs when i'm not even petting him, just tortured me. i couldn't believe i might never have him in my life again. just minutes before we took him to the ER, he was eating, playful, peaceful. having trouble breathing, but behaviorally the same. how could this be the same cat we're being told is on his death bed? they told us cats hide their illnesses well but it seems unimaginable. he has always been so easy to read.

our priority has been stabilizing his health, stabilizing his breathing, and bringing him home as soon as possible, even if it's just to put him to sleep. they tapped 100mL of fluid from his lungs and his breathing improved tremendously. there is still a lot of fluid in his lungs. he was able to breathe outside the oxygen tank. we were able to bring him home yesterday morning, which feels like a miracle after we were told he might never come home with us again. i cried when he came in the door and lay down. he's not himself yet but it's to be expected after all he's gone through. he's on lots of medication. some of it could trigger kidney failure. the vet has told us the prognosis for a cat who experienced this type of heart failure is usually 3 months to live. possibly longer (a nurse at the ER said she had a cat who survived a year after heart failure), but possibly any day now. it's weird to be celebrating another possible 3 months with him, but compared to dying in an oxygen tank in the ER the night we brought him, it seems like a tremendous victory.

still, my heart is so heavy. i can't imagine ever letting him go. i will never be ready. we're praying he'll be one of those cats that surprise the vet with his longevity. i got a message from a friend and neighbor who watches peechee for us every time we go out of town and knows he's been in the hospital, and he said "don't worry, peechee's a fighter"

let's hope so. i need him to be.

he'll never recover from his heart failure, so it's difficult talking about this with anyone because it's not a "get well soon" scenario. but it is a "keep fighting the good fight" scenario, and i'm going to shower him with my love and we'll do everything we can to keep him as healthy as possible for as long as possible. i'm sure i'll update more about this in the future, but just needed to write something about it, to vent some of this incredible pain i'm feeling. my heart is so heavy and i can't stop crying.

i wonder if he'll have enough time with us for his belly fur to grow back. he has a white patch on his belly, and it's his softest part.

i'm so grateful to have another day with him, and for the life i've had with him so far.
i'll never be ready to let him go.

he is one of a kind, the most wonderful pet companion i could have, and every day with him is and has been a gift.

i just read a pretty interesting post on the silent treatment (wooo friday night!) personally, i am really not a believer in this method of communication (or, more appropriately, lack thereof) and especially with friends and loved ones, i think it can damage the stability of that relationship because it sets you up to see that relationship with fear of it slipping away rather than seeing it with the flexibility to be able to resolve issues that might arise.

i've certainly been on the receiving end of the silent treatment -- sometimes it's a simple as knowing someone's purposely not picking up the phone or responding to an email. i looked this article up thinking to myself what are people hoping to accomplish when giving the silent treatment?

From the article:

When someone is administering the silent treatment they are trying to show that they are dominant over you. The silent treatment (when it becomes a mutual one) is a power struggle in pain tolerance…whomever the winner is, cares less.

so ultimately, when someone is giving the silent treatment, what they are saying is that you don't matter to them, and resolving a problem with you isn't important to them either because they don't view you as an equal? that they care less than you do? it's pretty messed up. yet reading that quote above, it feels accurate. that's exactly what it's like being on the receiving end.

From the article (though not sure how reliable the scientific info is here):

When someone is ostracized it affects the part of their brain called the anterior cingulate cortex. The anterior cingulate cortex is the part of the brain that detects pain. When you give someone the silent treatment you are causing that person physical pain...This is what the ever popular “time out” with a child is so effective. The child feels ostracized, therefore is feeling pain even though no physical pain was inflicted on them, and therefor they want to behave so they don’t have to feel that way again.

when I read about it in those terms, giving the silent treatment or ignoring someone (someone you care about / want to have a relationship with) on purpose really seems like one of the most absolutely screwed up, manipulative, cruel things you can do to them. though the article above uses the example of parents molding children with it, it really strikes me as one of the most immature ways to treat a fellow human.

personally, i tend to "give in" to the silent treatment and apologize for whatever caused it (even if i feel that i shouldn't have to) or joke with the person to lighten up the relationship, because i hate the feeling so much of being ostracized/ignored. i don't know if there's a "right" way to handle being on the receiving end of it; i pretty much think it's a stupid ritual to partake in.

but i thought i might post the article for anyone out there who's considering giving the silent treatment to someone they actually care about. just don't do it. it's cruel, and the only message you're sending is that you don't care about hurting them. even if the other person is a total idiot, are YOU the kind of person who enjoys inflicting pain on others just to make yourself feel superior? think about it.

anyway, just some food for thought.

I just found a journal entry of mine from 2003 where i said that i wished i could sustain my life by selling things i made. At that point i had two jobs i hated, and i was making stuff and selling it online and taking illustration jobs in my free time.

Kinda cool to see how things have changed!

today, i saw a link to: http://my.barackobama.com/page/s/artworks-submission
so i designed a poster for it. It said:


To the organizers of the Art Works Poster Contest:

My name is Susie Ghahremani and I'm a self-employed artist and illustrator in San Diego, CA.

I was recently forwarded the call for entries for "Art Works: A poster contest to support American jobs". At first, I was reminded of the Works Progress Administration, the multi-billion dollar stimulus plan spearheaded by FDR -- I'm very familiar with the incredible art works and murals from that period and how they raised American morale and left lasting artifacts of the era, particularly around Chicago (my hometown as well as President Obama's!) In fact, I have a poster for the Brookfield Zoo made by WPA artist Mildred Waltrip next to me on the wall as I write this letter.

However, I find it insulting and hypocritical that for this Art Works contest, artists are being asked to submit work for this project unpaid (and with no financial compensation even if chose as the winner) for a contest whose sole purpose is to illustrate themes of "supporting small businesses"

Did you know that being a designer/artist is a job/business as well?

I'm struggling to keep my job as an artist every day. I can't afford to work for free, and neither can any other full-time working artist or designer.

I hope that this administration I have supported through the years will consider the American Job Acts and our successful history with the WPA, and will amend the hypocrisy by truly "putting more people back to work" by compensating the artists entering this contest.

Thank you,
Susie Ghahremani