May 6th, 2011

owl

in motion.

confession: i've been learning/training to run since about july of last year.

it's something i haven't talked a lot about because a) talking about exercise is boring, b) it seems like everyone on the planet should already know how to run instinctively, c) i haven't felt particularly proud of myself for my efforts. in fact, i've felt sort of the opposite: ashamed i can't pick it up easier/quicker.

i really should be proud of myself for sticking to it despite more times than i care to recall that it's been very tempting to quit (knee injuries & a terrible experience with a "Running 101" class). but every time i run (or try to run as the case may be), i feel my body struggle and it just makes me feel so incapable. it's sort of like the feeling of being picked last in gym class, only no gym class, just me feeling bad about my abilities all on my own.

i'm so used to being able to do things when i put effort into it, so this process being so challenging for me has been really defeating. i can't believe i'm even typing about this, because it's sort of been such a source of frustration for so long, my deep dark secret: yes, i'm outing myself. i HAVE downloaded several couch to 5k podcasts (they all have horrible music). i HAVE purchased hideous shoes that now resemble albino baked potatoes with toothpaste squirted all over them. i keep a stack of clean towels and bottles of water next to my treadmill, as if i run a YMCA out of the corner of my bedroom.

so the mix below is a sample of what i've been listening to as i jog.

i have to say, i feel really alone/lonely as i go through this process, so it has helped me to have music with me. i don't feel like i have the support/motivation of anyone else on this (i suppose my own fault for mostly keeping my training to myself...though shout-out to my sister who did buy me an ipod shuffle for my workouts). i can't help but notice all the people who effortlessly run, and wonder to myself why i haven't been able to do what they do. so, i just keep working at it and hope one day i might be able to do it, too, even if it takes me years longer than it probably took them, and even if i run at about half the speed they do.

music always seems to be the grounding element through challenging times, and lately, i've been depending on music to get me through the challenging times more than ever as my husband started a new job that requires him to be out of town a lot. in the last week, i've left my house for approximately 3 hours: to go to the farmers market, go to a birthday shindig & go walk (alone) around a park. i just feel so on my own these days, not just with the running.

so basically, it's been a weird time over here all around.

so i'm just checking in & sharing some music & saying hi. this is what is going on with me. nothing to do with art at the moment. poor as hell these days. that's about it.

if you're struggling with learning to run (or you'd like to try starting now!) & you'd like to be supportive of each other, by all means, please contact me.

this has been a very long blog post.